The honesty thing. Why is it so hard? One minute, I feel like I’m on track, taking care of myself, doing the things I want and need to do to feel good and productive, aligning my actions with my priorities and all that good stuff Oprah and Dr. Phil are always talking about. The next minute, I’m off the track, sometimes drunk and confused, dirty dishes are piling up in the sink, my bills are overdue, and I’m feeling angry at the world. Oh. So. Angry.
Why am I only able to be honest about what I want and how I want to spend my time when there’s no one else around to be honest to? In other words, why do I have so much trouble actually being honest. Because being honest when you’re avoiding the world isn’t being honest. Honesty doesn’t work in a vacuum. It’s all fine and well to say, “I just want to sit down and read a book. I don’t care that it’s Friday night,” when there’s no one around to hear it. But when someone I’m dating is here or my well-meaning, potentially alcoholic friends are texting me about hanging out, I cave and do what they want to do.
Because I’m afraid they won’t love me anymore if I’m honest about what I really want when what I really want goes against what they want. And then I cave and drink too much and smoke cigarettes when I so desperately want to NOT smoke cigarettes and then I’m too tired to do the dishes or pay the bills. And then I’m so angry at my friends or the guy I’m dating for leading me down a path I didn’t want to go down when the person I’m really mad at is…wait for it…me.
How can I be expected to ever have an honest relationship with anyone else when I can’t be honest with myself? Agreeing to go along with what others want to do so that I’ll have a social life is a colossal lie. It lurks deep, deep, deep so that you don’t even really know the lie is in control. But it’s there, guiding your behavior. That shadow lie we all tell ourselves is: “I am unlovable if I’m not doing what others want me to do.”
And that’s the honest truth.